Ask Lemmy

Young-ish introvert guy here. It's definitely getting harder and harder over time. IMO the big problem is that nowadays, people don't need to learn to communicate. And so many people never learn. There's too many interesting things to do while you lock yourself away in your house. In the past, even introverts had to learn to communicate. What else were they going to do? Sit and stare at the wall?

What's the solution? Well, you have to be more deliberate with your time and effort. You need to learn to communicate, so learn to communicate. My rule of thumb is that, on average, you need to spend at least half of your waking day outside. Whether for work, or hobby, or shopping, etc. - being outside for any reason is infinitely more useful for socializing than staying indoors.

Also, don't stagnate. It's very easy to get comfortable with what you've been doing and to keep doing what you've been doing. Again, be deliberate about how you choose to spend your time. Pick up new skills. Learn new hobbies. Try out new restaurants. Explore a bit. The more you learn, the better you get at learning. Become well-rounded, knowledgeable, cultured.

Based on the fact that you came to Lemmy for relationship advice, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you're a huge dork. Fear not, I was once also a huge dork. I still am, but now I'm a kinda hot dork with a hot dork wife. I'll tell you how I did it.

I'll break this up into a few sections:

-1. Be Attractive

Rule 1 & 2 reign supreme. Even that quiet nerd you have your eye on wants a relatively attractive partner.

First, basic hygiene. I don't know if this is an issue for you, but it was for me. Fresh breath, clean hair, and no detectable BO go a long way.

Second, exercise. Compound lifts and cardio. You'll build discipline, a more attractive physique, and stamina for the consequences of being in a relationship.

Third, style. T-shirts and flip flops aren't very attractive. Invest in a couple nice button downs, a nice pair of jeans, and shoes that make you look like a grown up. Go to your barber and have an honest conversation about hairstyles that suit you.

-2. Be Sociable

First, learn how to talk to people. It's a cliche, but Carnegie's HtWFaIP is a great starting place if you have difficultly maintaining small talk. But the best thing you can do, ultimately, is getting low stakes practice talking to people. Chit chat with the cashier, compliment random strangers on shirts you like, go to bars and strike up conversations. Conversation is a skill even introverts can learn.

Second, learn how to be rejected gracefully. Not every conversation is going to pan out. Understand that a failed conversation is not the end of the world, and appreciate it for the brief social practice. Not everyone is going to vibe with you, and that's okay. But if you never put yourself out there, you'll never find the ones that do. Learn to be okay with striking out, or fizzling.

Third, try to be interesting. Learn about things that other people find interesting. You can go a long, long way just asking people questions and letting them talk, but knowing a little about the topic they're taking about makes for better questions.

-3. Get Out There

Other people have touched on social hobbies, but it bears repeating. There's not really a better way to find a partner than going to gatherings of people with similar interests. That's where all the people who like the same stuff as you are.

Plus, the more you get out there, the better you'll get at communicating.

It took me years to find my wife, but the journey developed me as a person, and I had a surprising amount of fun in the process.

I dated around until I was so heartbroken and fed up, I took an intentional full year off. I focused on my friendships and family. I stuck my toe back in when I was 32.

Met my forever love on plenty of fish in 2019. I thought he was super nerdy, our first conversations were just about his cat. I had actually just became an accidental owner of my first kitty myself, so we chatted about our kitties and metal music that first day. He never was crude, he never sexted at me, he never pushed himself physically at me, he was just sweet

After about four weeks of texting all day everyday we met up. We went for a walk, and I was comfortable enough to go back to his place where we smoked weed and we talked for 6 hours. We then hung out after he got off work, and my kid went to sleep, 3-4 times a week. We'd hug goodbye and those hugs reset my soul. After about three weeks of that, he texted me after he left my house on night, "I wish I kissed you". And next time I saw him we did. He still never pushed for sex. I really loved this after years of being treated like an object. After hanging out for about six weeks we went on a weekend getaway near by to the shore, became officially a couple and made love the first time.

The rest is history. I met him online, we're both introverted af and idk. He said he was ready to quit the app before I messaged him. He said, "oh lord who is this girl?". He also never (still doesn't) want childrenm he took a gamble with me because we got along so well. And so, we clicked. He's my favorite asshole :)

I always remained optimistic when looking for a partner, always open to new ideas. But it was clear my partner was the type who respected women, and like I said, after years trying to find the man I thought I wanted, I found the one I needed. I had always wished I could tale the best part of my exes and sew em up into the perfect man, well, he is just that. All the best parts. He is my bestest of best friends, and I'll cherish him until I die. He really saved my life and gave my young son and I, a real family. This matters to me more than anything. I just giggle sometimes remembering I nearly wrote him off, nearly, for being such a goober that first chat, and I'm so glad I didn't. I even love his flaws, or what he perceives as flaws, I love them, I love him.

Optimism really was what kept me going. Plus, I'm a catch ;)

I don't know how much the online dating scene has changed the last few years, but I wish I could tell people it's okay if you haven't found your partner in life yet. I know folks who didn't meet thier partners until they were 40, I know fresh divorced 29 year olds. Like, don't rush, let it come and gather patience, if you can, inside your heart.

Find a hobby you're interested in if you don't have one already. Find a group in your area that meets up to discuss or engage in that hobby in person. Make friends with the people in that group by just existing around them and talking about your shared interest. Maybe one of those friendships turns into a relationship, maybe not.

Don't think of the people there as potential partners but as people you like spending time with and genuinely enjoy being around. If one of those friendships has mutual attraction and becomes a partnership, that's great! If not, you'll probably meet other people through them and maybe one of those will turn into a relationship.

Examples of hobbies for introverts that provide more structure for interaction and can have limited talking if needed:

• Boardgames / dueling card games like Netrunner / tabletop roleplaying games
• Pinball
• Video games fighting games or speed running communities are more widespread for in person events
• Book clubs
• Hiking, rolling skating, skateboarding, tennis, pickleball, basketball, soccer, bicycling, running, or swimming if you want to get some exercise

I worked at Disneyland. I met and dated plenty, it's not so hard to learn to be social when you spend every day meeting thousands of people. Mostly dated fellow cast members.

I ended up meeting the women I would grow to love during that time. We went on one date and ended up just being friends. We both misunderstood each other's signals. She ended up deployed and we fell out of touch. Nearly 10 years later, she had a daughter and was going through a divorce. We randomly started chatting again, and she wanted to have some fun. I invited her to a few things, and while I thought I was putting out signals, she didn't notice. And she was putting out signals that I missed. So we just ended up as friends and I even wingmanned for her.

Eventually, drunk at a game night we discussed our lone date and our missed signals. We both realized that we liked each other. But we both didn't want anything serious. She was just getting out of her marriage and I was planning a move halfway across the country. So we started fooling around, hooking up.

Well, best laid plans and all that. We ended up starting to really care for each other. She introduced me to her daughter. And over a trip where I was checking out the house I was about to buy and she was in Paris for her mother's honeymoon we were texting none stop. When we finally met again, I confessed my love for her. And we've been a thing ever since.

My wife is an introvert. It took 7 years of very innocent twice a year meeting at camp and someone else shoving us together for us to think about becoming an item. Been married for 8 years now (together for 13). Sometimes these things just happen. Top tip is not to try too hard.

My current partner and I are both introverts. The only reason we met is because we both dared to go outside to our LGS (Local Game Store). There, we met over a game of Magic the Gathering and some DnD and misc board/card games that I brought with me. And we started chit chatting over discord.

I eventually invited them over to my birthday at Dave and Busters where we bonded and there was a spark. I asked them out first, to which they said "yes" but they had a condition. We had to go on 3 dates before it was official. During that time I learned a lot about her life and I told her alot about mine. We were extremely similar in a lot of ways but also different in some ways. But the dates went really really well. And we've been steady for 2 years now.

In addition, I've somehow very quickly gained favor with their family simply by doing occasional board game nights with non-mainstream board/card games and just hanging out with the family and stuff. And also providing tech support on occasion haha.

Needless to say it has been going really really well. Way better than any of my past relationships. It only took me 39 years to get to this point in my life. As some of the comments have said, finding your love can sometimes take a long time.

Just try to be patient with finding love. And try to do things you like to do that are outside. That way you can meet people naturally with similar interests. There's tons of events and things out there that you can go to just to meet people that like the same things that you do.

This might sound pedantic, but actually makes a big difference, mentally.

Introvert refers more to how you mentally recharge, rather than interactions. An introvert requires time alone to recharge, an extrovert needs time around people. Your more likely socially anxious, and possibly mentally underdeveloped for socialising.

By locking down where the problem actually is, it helps you figure out how to counter it. Social anxiety is quite common, with viable treatment methods. Social skills are learnt. You get them by practice. It's a problem that is common for autistics, so the info from those corners of the internet could be helpful, even if you aren't autistic.

A question for those who have a partner, how did you manage to do it and how long did it take?

I/We did not 'do it' if by that you mean deciding to meet someone to become a couple, be it for one night or for a lifetime. For us, it happened and it seems to be holding quite well after 25 years together and counting ;)

How did it happen? We were into some similar interests and we started chatting about it (online, back in the late 90s, before apps and algorithm), no dating, no nothing, just chatting about that common interest. And enjoying our conversations. One day, we decided to meet IRL as the opportunity arise and, well, it clicked. We enjoyed that time together and decided to try another time, and then a third. And then we both agreed it would be nice (and much simpler too) if we moved together.

it’s hard for me to communicate with people on the street.

You’re right, it is hard. For anyone. You probably should not do that to begin with.

I mean, one may (or may not) meet people on the street (or anywhere else) and then one may (or may not) start having a conversation with them, and then… But most of the time, people are not on the street waiting to be 'communicated' with, and the few that do they are probably doing it for the money.

One needs to spend time with people with whom one has some shared interest for a conversation to have a chance to get anywhere. One also needs to be ok with those person not be willing to have discussion or spend time with them as they may have other plans and/or interests. It’s ok to being told ‘no, thx’, it’s not a failure.

So, the question is mostly this: what are your hobbies and passions? Because that’s where you should try to meet other people. It helps a lot to know you have some common interest, even more so when you're shy.

I’m an introvert

My spouse and I we're both introverts. It would be an understatement to say I'm shy as fuck. And so is she, just worse. But it seldom is an issue for me, provided I have something to talk about with the other person. No matter how deep or thin the topic is as long as it helps me stop feeling like it's about me (which it never is, btw) and more about whatever is the subject of our conversation. Even asking for directions or… commenting to your question ;)

As far as dating goes, no matter how unpopular this seems to be considered nowadays, I think it also helps a lot to not have expectations regarding who the other person should be (physically, morally, financially and so on), and how she should behave (the should do this and that, say this and that, think this and that). We all are different, we all have flaws. And we can all be going through some hardship, at times.

Like I said, my spouse and I have been together for 25+ years but there are still today things she does I don't like, and people she likes I don't like (and don’t waste my own time with). And it’s same with me. We’re not glued together, even though I’ve read Plato I don’t believe we ought to become ‘one’ as a couple. And that's fine. We also had our fair share of issues, as a couple, and that too is fine.

In summary: being shy did not prevent me to meet girls. What did was not knowing what to talk about with them, and then my fear of being rejected. And then my expectations. The day I got rid of that fear and expectations, taking the action of meeting new people for what it truly is (an opportunity) it went better. Because it’s an opportunity to try, and maybe to fail and maybe to learn something new in the process (improving oneself), instead of not even trying and to certainly not succeed and to not learn anything new, quite the contrary: fear of action and rumination won’t help anyone grow/feel better.

edit: missing words.

I dated for 18 years before I found the right person. I met her at a friend's party. We were all just standing around chatting, and at the end of the night I asked for her number because she was fun to talk to.

I met 18 years of wrong people using dating apps, at activities in school and after, and at various parties. All those methods are fine.

I have never once communicated with a complete stranger in person. It was always a friend of a friend, or we know each other from something, or talk first on apps.

There's no trick to it. Just talk to people. If you struggle to talk to girls, talk to guys. If you struggled to talk to guys, work on that by talking to more guys.

Met online through a hobby-oriented platform (not social media, not dating sites). Neither of us where actively looking for a partner at that time, so there was no pressure to perform, no expectations, everything just flowed (and if it hadn't, that would've been OK too, at least at that point hehe). It took a bit over a year of one thing leading to another.

I've read some advice here that sort of matches that pattern, and by personal experience I'd say it works.

Local game store. Played various rpgs with him. Boyfriend at the time dumped me. Started talking to him more. We were going to take it slow because there's a 16 year age gap, but mother kicked me out of the house and I asked if I could stay there. He agreed. I didn't leave.

That was almost twenty years ago.

In my mid-thirties, I decided to take some classes after work. I took an acting class because it's not something I would have ever done. Ended up marrying someone I didn't even know was in my class. Guess I made an impression. I was not a good actor.

I also took an art class, despite not being very good at art. Met some cool people that I kept in touch with for a while.

Take some classes, or just get out of your comfort zone. Doing something you've never done before, especially with other people who have never done it before, that's when the brain is lit up and paying attention. That advice also works for dates. Go do something together that neither of you has done before. Do that multiple times in a row. 60% of the time, it works every time.

A couple decades of going to the gym and eating healthy. It eventually pays off. Might take a couple decades but hey better late than never.

I am an extrovert and I met my wife by approaching her. Probably puts me in the minority, but I was on vacation, she was a friend of a friend, I hit on her in a bar, it worked, we stayed in touch after my vacation ended, visited each other, went long distance, moved in together, got married. Together 11 years, married 7 years.

i met him at work! I don't know how long it took. I wasn't really looking.

I think most people don't find others just on the street or at a grocery store. I mean some people do, but it's pretty rare. usually at jobs and through friends. volunteering is a really good way too.

I was living with my friend and her husband at the time. Her husband brought his boss over to the house to look at a truck or something, I can't remember. According to him, he fell hard and fast. I was skittish after having been through an abusive marriage and protracted divorce and took things very slowly. He was patient and so very kind and here we are, five years later, married and fixing up a house with a couple crazy dogs.

So, I didn't "do" anything, so to speak, we just showed up in each other's lives one day and happened to have shared values, interests, and attraction to each other. I know that's not a satisfying answer. A lot of couples I know met through mutual friends, for what it's worth.

Used hinge. It's the least bad, as of this year anyway.

Most people who use dating apps are, frankly, bad at it. People send garbage messages with garbage profiles. People half-ass it and expect the other folks to carry the whole thing. I feel like I could write a short book on how to do it better.

Condensed into like three bullet points it's

• Ask questions. Do not dead-end the conversation and expect them to do all the work
• actually ask them out. Like, in the first conversation after you clear any must-have deal breakers (eg: if you have a kid)
• put stuff you want to talk about in your profile. Don't be "clever" and respond to "what are you looking for?" with "my keys". This is where you give the other person topics to talk about. (Also if you are tired of people asking about the stuff you put in your profile, change it you doofus.)

Being "an introvert" doesn't excuse you from being present and engaged. The other person isn't going to be that interested in someone who responds every couple hours with "lol". If you can't muster up the energy to have a real conversation, you aren't ready to date.

I went to and organised Reddit meetups. One of the people who went didn't believe me that I'm Swedish (we were in Scotland and despite growing up in Wales I have an oddly posh English accent). She phoned her Swedish friend to catch me out, which didn't work, much to her chagrin. Said friend demanded a photo of me as payment. We started talking a little while later and it became immediately apparent that we were a perfect match. We've been together for thirteen years.

Don't go to things to meet a partner, but to build the connections that might bring you into contact with people that might be interested. In the meantime you'll have fun (hopefully), improve your social skills, and generally avoid dying alone.

33 years ago, we really just collided, there is no other way to describe it.

I was in the US Army and stationed at the same hospital she worked at, she brought a patient consult to my office. Two weeks later we started fucking, four months later we got married.

You don't need to speak to people on the street. Some contact to new people would probably help. This can be done trough (more) extroverted friends of you. But it will require effort from you to be open to new people.

I was single for like 4 years, no hookups, nowt. Not even handjobs, oral or tromboning.

Was working at a country music festival and I was told I had a secret admirer by one of the bar staff, so went and said hello and now we live together

My wife and I met through Okcupid about fifteen years ago.

I had been in an insanely stupid long-distance relationship, called it off, and started looking for someone local.

The woman I broke things off with was younger than me and baby crazy, so I extended my age range by the same amount and met my wife quickly thereafter.

Specifically, we chatted for two or three weeks before I suggested we meet at a coffee place.

Two dates later we were exclusive.

She is seven years older than me and had never been in a serious relationship.

Just keep looking. Lonely people are absolutely everywhere, and you're bound to find someone you just link up with eventually.

Dungeons & Dragons.

I met her in a bar, I was 35, she was 21. She was friends with a friend I knew. I order her a Guinness and a shot of scotch- she proceeded to down the scotch without flinching and chased it with the Guinness- then looked at me with big “kitten eyes”.

This was all before I even got to touch my drink.

Hell of an ice breaker.

Anyway, that was almost 18 years ago and we’re still doing great.

I think it took all of about a week or so for us to just know we clicked. And a bit longer for me to get off my ass and make it “official”. As far as how?

I was just being myself. Nothing more. Never use tricks, oversell yourself, or act against who you are… all of this comes out sooner or later.

Just be who you are. It’s better to get someone to love you this way than to have to maintain an act.

And it’s genuine. There’s a lot to be said for that.

Like many other introverts, I have a few distinct interests that intersect with other people. You'd be surprised how many approaches you get when you're genuinely just having a good time with something.

Meet someone during your hobbies? Don't be afraid to just say hello to someone. Talk to a person you don't find attractive as "target practice". Be yourself and don't worry about rejection. I got rejected probably 50-60 times. Each time it gets easier and most importantly....don't give a fuck. Always someone else.

We were in the same online friend group for many years. After a meetup in Europe she claimed me.

You need to find social hobbies. I'm an extrovert, but my wife is an introvert. She still got herself together and went out to engage socially and that's how we met. It'll take time and effort, but if you show genuine interest in people and spend time with them you're likely to eventually find someone

A person I had a fling with the winter prior introduced me to their friend in the hopes that she would toy with me and break my heart. We've been together ever since.

We met through a shared college class, and became friends studying. We kept having lunch every few months for a couple years while we both dated other people. Eventually the stars aligned, and we went on date! Here we are 11 years later, happily married <3

We met on Tinder of all places. It happens :) We vibed real quick, and now call each other love of our lives.

My wife and I are both introverted. (and I have some social anxiety in certain situations)

We met on a dating site called "OurTime". I can't speak for it now, as that was 15 years ago, but it's a site geared towards people 45 years and up, who don't want to deal with the bullshit of other dating sites.
(neither of us were 45 at the time, but that didn't seem to matter)

We have similar interests and that made it easy to start conversations. We talked back and forth for a week or two, and then started voice calls for about a week before actually going on a date.
We didn't rush things along and just took things as they came, and got married about three years later.