Ask Lemmy

As someone who was suicidal as a child and never thought to make it past 18:

I guess I just like living. I like putting the effort and seeing the results, even if it's a lot of effort for just a small payoff. I also like knowing that I matter, and that people around me are happy with my pressence.

I also really like the thought of making a change. Be vocal about my life experiences and maybe changing someone's mind. Swimming backstroke to be true to myself, and making a stance. The normal way is not the only way, you know?

I also adore art. I like connecting to a piece of art, seeing human emotions molded into such a fasinating sound, ambience, coreography, phrase, whatever. Knowing that someone felt something so strong and constant, that they had to rush to create something, and express it, share it with everyone with a tint of creativity, just as I do.

To answer your question, I'm gonna go with: Find something you like, and just keep doing it. I love creative works and human expression, but maybe you like something else. Biology, technology, cooking? Connect with it and start small. A small flower in a pot is enough.

The only way I can now describe how young me felt, is blind. I spiraled into a really awfully negative nihilism after an ugly life event that made me stop believing in God (to this day I consider myself an atheist, and I don't think that's ever gonna change. And I don't want it to change). I thought that life did not have a purpose, that all the suffering and the pain and the bad thoughts were all for nothing, since there was no meaning to it all. My only refuge to the pain was daydreaming about a world in which I was never born, in which I didn't hurt my friends. Everything else, didn't matter. The things that made me happy weren't working.

The years went by, the feeling stayed there. "Why do this, if I'm gonna end up dying anyways?".

But eventually, my vision started changing. Maybe it was just growing up, maybe it was meeting new people that challenged my perspective of the world, maybe it was finding my currently favorite music artist and seeing his journey. My memory is a bit foggy due to all the trauma, sorry. But my vision started going upside down. Suddenly it clicked for me: Life has no meaning, but that's not actually bad. It's freeing, actually. Existence being inherently meaningless meant that I had no greater expectations. If there truly was no meaning, what's stopping me from doing what makes me happy, and just keep doing it? Besides life obligations, I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. That's prime environment for experimenting, for discovering myself, and finding my own, small, not cosmic-level meaning that made me wake up every morning: Happiness. I was gonna fight with life so I could get the happiness I deserved, and that's what I'm doing to this day.

I know this answer won't magically cure the depression of everyone reading this. Some people just have fucked up dopamine receptors, some people do cling to religion, some people don't have the amount of freedom in their lives to do what they truly like. But I'm throwing my story here for the chance that it lifts at least one person up, even if that motivations lasts for just the rest of the day.

I also know the future is looking real bad. The things I thought I could be doing 3-4 years ago are off the table. And people seem more hateful with each day passing. That has taken a toll on me. Sometimes I just want to quit. But I'll keep fighting, for the people who cannot.