Asklemmy

It was a rooster! Get it?! A rooster!! (uncontrollable laughter sets in).

I made a joke about a roof, but it was over everyone's heads.

I live nearish to a military base so a lot of local businesses have a military/veteran discount.

At the store I buy dog food at, the staff are so tired of asking about it that they have shortened “are you a member of the military?” to “any military?”

After I noticed it a few times that every single employee in the store shortened it that way, I started answering “there is one, but I’m not in it.”

Loooots of blank stares. I stopped since apparently nobody gets it or they don’t think it’s funny. I think it’s the former but idk 🤷

I make 3d models for 3d printing. Usually cute shit.

I made these little "snow baby" decorations. And I took a photo of them.
One is holding a brick that says "to ices" on it. The other is holding a Molotov cocktail. Literally no one. Not a single one of my friends who knows I would 100% pull this, has noticed.

Not a single one.

I posted it twice just to try to get people to look at it again .

Here you are.

It's not very funny if I have to tell people, you know?

Not specifically a joke, but more intended to make thought processes skip a little and to amuse:

My friend: "Didn't they teach you grammar at school?"

Me: "no, she didn't go there."

--

..and, if anyone ever tells me to check my pronunciation, I snap back quickly and say it should be proOUNCEiation, while acting as serious as possible.

--

In around 20 years I have gotten about 30 blank stares and one giggle, once. It was completely worth it.

One time, I had to have IV antibiotics for a dental infection, which meant having to be at the hospital for like a half hour every four hours, which sucked. After a couple days of this, praying to get switched to tablets, a doc finally saw me.

He walks into the room where I was waiting and the first thing he said was, "so, how about we try oral?", and I was like, "slow down, doc, I just met you." 😂

Swear to god, it did mot register whatsoever that I had made a joke. He responded like I had said slow down the switch to oral medication! I guess maybe he could have just been embarrassed and was trying to duck the moment, but idk. I thought it was a solid joke.

Working in the OR. Anesthesiologist draws up some fentanyl, and I asked him if it was enriched. He looked at me like I'm a dumbass and asked "with what?"

-_-

One of my favorites, and my BF didn't get it D:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face? Are you depressed?"

The horse replies "I don't think I am"

At which point, the horse promptly disappears.

Now, if you're at all familiar with the works of Rene Descartes, you're likely chuckling at this point, knowing his famous quote "I think, therefore I am"

But to tell you that first would have been to put Descartes before the horse.

At one of the no kings rallies, I feel something hit me in the back. Turn around to see a small girl running over to get the large Styrofoam sign that the wind had blown out of her hands.

She looks up saying "I'm sorry!".

"It's ok, I'm not a space shuttle, I can survive being hit by a foam block".

Crickets.

In 7th grade, my class was doing an exercise in which you describe yourself using a list of adjectives starting with each letter in your name. My last name ends in the letter H, so I described myself with 11 grandiose adjectives, followed by "and most of all: Humble." I didn't get a single laugh, so I just ended up sounding like a narcissist

Short version was getting a remote control vibrator for my dog but that's only because the fancy corection collars with them built in are so expensive