Asklemmy

I went through a rough breakup between June and August last year. At first, I drank and slept around. Then, I got sober. I'm sort of over it by now, genuinely, but the spark is gone. I don't really want to see people, despite how badly I want to see people. I don't know what to say. I feel sort of nonplussed about everything.

I work my ass off all day, come home, work out, eat right, work my ass off all evening, then when I'm done I play bass or guitar, paint miniatures, take photos, do little bits of graphic design practice, and fall into bed around midnight.

I'm lonely. I think I'm starting to accept that this is just how it's gonna be for me, at least for now.

All that to say; it may be helpful to practice some genuine acceptance. When I'm feeling real beat up about being sad and lonely, I get my shoes on and go for a walk. No destination in mind, no matter the time of day. I put my earphones in, put on some sad music, and walk until I get sick of myself moping and just accept that yes, this is how it is. Then I'll put on a podcast I enjoy, or something I can learn from, or I'll just take the earphones out and enjoy nature as I walk back towards home.

Focus on yourself. Being lonely isn't rare these days, but being completely alone gives you complete freedom. I'm fairly new to working out, but I've stuck to a relatively consistent schedule for four months or so and my body looks and feels so much better. I'm working on my pull-up and dead hang form at the moment, and I'm finding it really tough but really rewarding. I'm on week 2 of 100 push-ups per day, and seeing my body go from barely being able to do 15 in a set, to almost doing 30 in a set, has been really fun! You don't get the opportunity to be selfish with your time without guilt very often in life, and if you're gonna be alone anyway you may as well make the most of it.

Those are proactive things that take effort, but for an easier suggestion: avoid YouTube. Avoid Netflix. Avoid TV or streaming. Don't sit there and wallow. If you're gonna wallow, get up and move while you're wallowing. No point letting your body and mind feel shitty at the same time. I sold my TV and my PS5. I sold my sofa. My lounge is now a desk, my hobby stuff, and a radio. I feel productive. I feel great. I feel so fucking earth-shatteringly bored that I have to do something, rather than just sitting on my ass watching shit I don't even care about.

I wish you the best my friend ✌️

Oh! Also! Get a bit weird with it. I grew my hair out for seven years, but I trimmed it earlier this year, then shaved it all off after getting sober. Just recently, I shaved it into a mohawk, and a couple of weeks ago I shaved designs into the sides of my head. Whether it looks good or not isn't the point; the point is about reclaiming your self expression, and enjoying your selfish experience. Be self centered. Be protective of your time. Be expressive. Do what you want. Say what you want. Spend how you want. Sell your sofa. Paint your walls. Do something you've always wanted to do but haven't because you've felt self-conscious. If you're feeling invisible at the moment, make the most of it. I started baking recently, too. Totally blew my calorie budget for the day but I ate a whole loaf of chocolate chip banana bread and honestly it was worth it.

Loneliness is the feeling that helps you to act, to connect with people. When you are connected with people, when you feel you belong, then you don't feel lonely. So do you feel connected with people around you, or do you just feel like you "fit in"...?

If you don't feel connected, spend some time finding someone you connect with...

Video games. The good ones.

Welcome to being an adult. It only gets worse as you get older. Other adults do not want to hear about your feelings.

You realize it's a futile cause and learn to live without it. Or you hire a professional therapist to listen to you.

If you are physically attractive you can also try dating. Lots of people on on first dates and use the date as a therapy session.

Have you looked for book clubs, gyms, courses in your region?

You have people to talk to ,but you are choosing not to. There is nothing anyone can tell you..

I pay rent to my landlord and go work for my boss. Far to much human interaction on my plate for this guy.

I've been there. For me, personally, the problem was that I was so afraid to open up and worshipped so much other people that I pretty much lost myself. I ended up being surrounded by people who aren't interested in me, who don't fit me. And then when I started discovering myself, opening up more and being more sincere, I just attracted the right people who I always know what to talk about and who are interested in me. But this is of course my personal experience, your situation might be entirety different.

Why don't you have a cat or dog ?

Drugs, honestly, but I strongly caution against that route.

I feel you though; I really do have no one, and I literally mean no one, to talk to. I was in a long term relationship until recently, and because I let him become my whole world, now that he's gone I have no one in my life at all.

I'm also on permanent disability due to lyme disease, and have to get all my groceries delivered because its too hard for me a lot of the time to go get them myself. Thus, literal weeks often go by without me having a reason to step outside, or talk to another human.

I'm sure my neighbours in the adjacent suites think im a psychopath for talking to my cat like she's a person every day, but if I didn't I might forget how to talk, lol.

So, how do I cope, when its not drugs (though it's usually drugs)? Well, I don't really, but because I believe so strongly in my version of the theory of quantum immortality, I feel I can't kill myself because anything I'd try, I'd survive. I'd be guaranteed to just end up with brain damage or a worse physical disability or something if I get any more serious with my suicide attempts. Essentially, it's only for that I have no choice but to go on, that I go.

Oh, fun fact- this recent ex of mine, we were broken up over Christmas last year too, so I'm going on my second year of a zero human contact Christmas.

In the words of Aesop Rock, Jesus Christ my life is dismal.

Talk to the people you know about what they want to talk about

Build a relationship with your neighbour. If you feel lonely, just grab a few fruits or snacks from your pantry and knock on their door saying you bought to much. You'll win a smile and a nice yet short conversation. Do this a few times and suddenly they will do the same.

I post on Lemmy lol.

If you're a bit of a nerd I suggest looking up local tabletop RPG groups and giving it a shot. It's one of the easier ways to be social as an introvert. It has a sort of regimented system of socializing that everyone understands, with an end time and an obvious goal. Once I'm in a better spot myself (life has been rough the past bit but it's looking up) I might do this myself.

But for now drinking and watching shows and shitposting on Lemmy still works for me lol. Used to post on Reddit, 100k+ karma there, Not banned, but I am sick of reddit's BS, so now I'm here instead, sorry y'all.

PS: I'm staying at a monthly rate in a hostel, and I go to a couple local food banks. There's a "free food" area in the communal kitchen that I stock up once or twice a week because where I live the food banks are extraordinarily generous.

People have started to notice and been thanking me, and as a result they've been striking up conversations and getting to know me. (I am very much an introvert.) So I've been socializing a lot more than I normally do as a result.

Too esoteric to recommend, but figured I'd add this random ass story as socializing can happen in the strangest of ways at times.

I haven't been on for a few years but when I was in a similar situation VRChat was amazing. I was able to connect with people I clicked with and before I knew it was had a pretty cool friend group.

Weed was my replacement for socializing in the pandemic. Can't recommend it, as it also ruined my motivation to go out, and I would avoid picking up the phone while high. These days I go out for a walk and talk to strangers about the weather instead of smoking. It's been great, and I made a several friends in the process.

How about book clubs? I’m in a couple, and my neighborhood has monthly silent book clubs (bookended with socializing time). Both an opportunity to socialize during meetups, and a great way to occupy your time in between.

Sounds like you have people you can call? If so, ask someone to go do something physical together where conversation doesn't have to be center-stage, like hiking. If you live in a place where there's good hiking spots with challenging terrain, such as steep hills (hopefully accompanied by beautiful views), you might be too out of breath for the absence of conversation to be unnatural.

Well how do you like to spend your time? Finding people to share your hobbies with is a great way to build community

Have you considered following a sport? Following local sports teams has always been an effective way to strike up a conversation for me. For one, it’s easy to identify who to talk to, since they wear apparel that identifies them as a fan of a team they follow, and also it’s really easy to know what they’re likely interested in talking about, since there are lots of resources (podcasts, broadcasts, blogs, etc) that direct the conversation. It’s super easy — I sat down on the bus yesterday across the aisle from someone in a Sounder’s hat and we talked the new Rothrock and Frei deals. I’ve never seen that dude before in my life and probably never will again, but finding common ground and something inoffensive to chat about was super easy because we follow the same team.